The Lies of a Single

To start, this is not a general  fact or something out of statistics, this is just about how I felt having been single for a year (and I continue to feel not until I have someone with me), and the four lies I’ve been telling people (and even to my friends) when asked about my love life.

1.       I have moved on.

I always tell people that I have moved on but in all honesty, every moment of silence and aloneness means a moment of thinking about my past failed relationships, and the mere thinking about it is a sign that I have not moved on... yet... or will never be.  Worse, I sometimes cry thinking about them. So, I have not moved on. There! Happy now?! Though, I must say that despite it all, I really desire to move on totally. If only I can use the obliviate spell on me.

2.       I am so busy with my career.

Well, this is somewhat true. I have no other distraction so I let all my energy, time, and effort be poured over work. The negative thing about this is that I tend to get into it too much and eventually I forget about having a partner, I tend to label myself as a career person, which is something that I regret doing. I am not a career person. I am a free-spirited one just like when I was younger. Yes, I blind myself of the possibility of having a partner because of career, and I drown myself into it because I have no partner.

3.       I will always follow my standards.

This is another half-lie and and half-truth. I have a set of standards and I don’t want to let go of them just because I want to have a partner. I hope to keep them but in the past, I have been lenient about following the standards. The rules of engagement that I call are something that I am willing to bend for the sake of love. This is what I call, taking risk. However, again, my standards will remain but I am willing to bend, and when I say bend, I mean literally, no, seriously, when I say bend, I only mean bend and not compromise.

4.       I am okay / I am fine.

Only my real friends would know the real score. So Yes! This is a total lie. I am not okay when I am single. I am not fine if I am single. I came from a broken family. I need to feel loved, and to feel loved is to have that sense of being whole, something that I have never felt from my parents or siblings. I feel loved with my relatives but they’re not here with me. I need someone with me. My friends are there but they’re not enough. I need someone to talk to, to argue with, to discuss matters with, and to do things together with. Only when I have a partner, or someone with me shall I feel okay or fine.

5.       I am better off without him.

How can I be better when I just lost a part of me, when my past relationships took pieces of me with them? How can I feel better when my heart has just been broken? Unless there’s a new and twisted definition of better, then I will never be better. I am good all by me but will never be better just having me in this world. This is a confession that I have to make. I feel complete only when I am with someone, and only when I feel complete that I feel better.

So the next time you ask me how I am, and I answer with any of these lines, you better think twice. I might just be lying.